Monday, 10 February 2014

IDS Unconvinced That the Poor Exist

No, this tuppence is MINE!
In a recent interview with Fox News Channel, Iain Duncan Smith espouses a theory as to the working class being a figment of the media’s imagination. These revelations were spurred off particularly by the Guardian and Independent; a perplexed Tory money bag of an old man, IDS, proclaimed that it simply couldn’t be true that anyone existed who actually needed the government’s money when they could be putting it towards endangering animals with ivory tusks and lush coats of fur, over fishing Salmon and spending more on lunch in a single day than a benefits recipient gets in a week.

Unsurprisingly, Mark Hoban added that it was uncertain whether being in a lower earning bracket doesn’t make one a non-entity. IDS and Hoban are said to be in deliberation with the rest of the DWP minister rat pack as to whether or not to cut spending on child benefit, as it is unlikely that children could be born into lower class backgrounds and still acquire language skills.

Lord Freud, specifically, claimed that there were no unemployed in England — much as the bedroom tax does not exist. After deliberation for many hours and many rounds of fine single malt scotch whisky and lines of cocaine the meeting adjourned. It is now reported that Iain Duncan Smith will be taking the role of cosmonaut as the first British Conservative to fly into space in order to test the effects of weightlessness on money which effectively doesn’t exist… facilitated by spending more money that doesn’t exist. This is expected to usher in a new era of unexpected spending and phantasmal £50 notes.